My Eyes

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They don’t understand how I think.
Dare to look a bit deeper.
My appearance may fool them.
I put on a smile,
I laugh at their thoughtless jokes,
I put on my mask that surely fools the world.
But not you.
Dressed to impress,
Perfection from head to toe.
Superficial some people might think.
No complexity,
No intelligence,
No soul,
No potential,
No depth,
Empty,
Plain.
Living life day by day they say,
No thoughts pondering about the future.
Little do they know that it echoes within me,
A solid whisper.
But you know something others don’t know.
That this is a façade,
A mask I put up so no one can enter.
I’m too complicated for words so I stand silent to their judgment,
But you know the truth.
Deep in my eyes,
You search and you know.
The depth and the power of my soul.
I’m no ordinary person.
You know this,
Only by searching within me.
When my eyes gaze into yours,
You see through the depth of my soul.
There is no where left to hide,
You see me through my eyes.

Life’s Long Love Road

Holding on is hard…
Understatement; it’s heart wrenching
Empty promises are made that bring along false hope
Hearts are broken and the words, “We’ll always stay in touch” echo and pierce through my mind
No one ever stays in touch. It’s just what we say to lessen the pain of going different ways
Plans are made and we take separate paths
That’s how the game of life is played
I dream and hope though your memory will not fade
Holding on is hard…
Letting go is easy
I let go and I’m ready to move on
Still remain the memories
Sorrows and despair are filled deep within me
My heart can’t endure much more
Fragile and sensitive it can’t feel pain anymore
Darkness is what it feels like
As the song goes…
A “total eclipse of the heart”
An endless road only leading me onto the wrong way
A path I have paved myself and traveled much too long…
It’s blurry and I can’t seem to find where I am
Are things a reality or an appearance?
An illusion of the mind? Or perhaps it’s déjà vu?
It’s been going on much too long, yet I still hold on
Soon I will find where I’m going
Why am I traveling down this road again?
Only a crazy person travels the wrong way and expects it will soon be the right way!
Thoughts ponder through my mind…
Madwoman on the loose
I want to turn around and forget it all
Forgive you for all your mistakes
But memories are too vivid
Feelings too strong
Remembering my tears, confusion, humiliation, pain, and time lost and time wasted…
Times when I threw my pride away for a moment in your arms…
My utopia
Nothing could go wrong or so I thought
Mapping out every move, word, and hidden signs
Maybe things fabricated in my mind
Over analyzing to the point of danger
This can’t be in my favor
Letting go can be hard for some people, but hanging on gives me hope
Hope of future plans only the mind can cite
Should I act now and fight?
Fight for a person who begs me to leave their site?
Words have been said and fights have been fought with all might
It’s draining…
Understatement; it absorbs any of the sanity I struggled to keep
After all, society has groomed me to act sanely
It’s exhausting…
Yet another understatement; My body aches from head to toe
You say you care and go
Confusion is keeping me any from lucidity
Giving my all, my deepest and darkest secret
How did I know you would keep it?
To love is hard
To hold on to hate is even harder
Then why love and why hate?
All these emotions I would much rather escape
Emotions are too strong
I need to break free…Not for you or for anyone
Just for me
Like an everlasting sad love song
Playing in my mind repeatedly,
Your memory is there.
Searching for the truth I don’t care to find
The truth I know somehow will leave me blind instead of helping me find the light
The light that shows me how you truly feel
Let me believe what I want
Through our eyes everything is different
Will you be back?
I doubt.
What I felt when you left can’t be defined
And only breaks my heart more with time
This is my life’s love journey
The long road leading me farther, yet closer to the wrong path.

My Friend, Foe, or Acquaintance?

A friend is someone who puts a smile on your face by just sending you a random message or telling you the most random, thoughtful idea you never thought about,  admires the changes you have made in your life and acknowledges them, sees the real you behind the façade you put up, breaks the wall you have built to protect yourself, opens your mind and imagination, pushes you to be the best you can be, offers you inspiration or is your inspiration at times, loves your imperfections, makes you smile when all you want to do is cry, tells you the truth about how you look in a certain outfit, checks up on you and calls you for no reason, and last but not least, a friend is someone who will never be the source of your unhappiness. They will never intentionally let a tear run down your face, hurt you or cause you any pain. It is impossible to hurt this person because they are a refection of your own happiness. The last thing you want in the whole world is to see them sad or be the reason they are sad.

The most important thing about a real friend is that they show you what the meaning of friendship is and until you find that genuine friend do you know the meaning. Friendship is a bond of trust and care. Rarely do you find true and honest friends, and when and if you do, it is a true blessing. We have many acquaintances in life, but not many friends. Too often do we give the label “friend,” and usually to people who don’t deserve it…

So are you my friend, foe, or acquaintance? To me these words seem to be intertwined in more ways than one.  How do you know you can really trust a person? How do you know that eventually this person you “trust” won’t end up hurting you? How can you feel safe in knowing this person genuinely loves and cares about you? That they won’t all the sudden turn their backs on you when you need them the most? Newsflash:  You can never really know, but there are signs to reveal if a person is worthy of your friendship. Our world is full of two-faced people who will smile in your face and then as you turn around their true colors show. Are they colors of hate? Jealously? Mistrust? Anger? Who knows really!  Being selective and choosing who to let into your life is easier said than done.  We become more and more selective in choosing our friends with experiences we have in life, whether good or bad. You could be friends with a group of people for years to finally come to the conclusion that they were never truly your friends. You think they are so you miss out on any signs that tell you, “Warning, stay away from these people!” They did not look out for your best interest and maybe your pain even gave them pleasure.  Who knows? We live in a very twisted sick society. So twisted that the things I hear about relationships or any kind of social interaction gone bad, no longer leave me surprised. Sorry if I’m coming off a bit too harsh, but no longer I’m I startled about the cruelty and evilness that exists within people. It leaves me to come to this conclusion: Never allow yourself to be vulnerable to any person. Choose wisely the people you do let in. As humans, we have the choice to pick who to let in and who to leave out. Not everyone is worthy of your friendship, time, energy, and love. But someone must be worthy, right? Right. Don’t feel discouraged if you haven’t found these people yet because they are very rare. Experience and growth will eventually lead you to these people; People who love and respect you for your imperfections, flaws, and you just being you. I have come to the conclusion that a person you should let into your life is made up of these 5 qualities:

1)   Time and devotion: A friend is a person who will sit and listen to you babble about the most random, boring issues but still pays attention to every single detail of what you are saying. Why? Because if you’re talking about it, it must be important to you. They’ll listen, not always voluntary, but that’s a different story.

2)   Caring: No matter what hardship or obstacle you are going through, a friend will stay by your side, offering you care and unconditional love and support.

3)   Honest and trustworthy: A friend who loves you will be honest with you at all times. You are willing to trust this person with your life, knowing they will not let you fall.  A friend will tell you the truth regardless of if it will hurt you or not. They look out for your best interest, not the things you want to hear. Anyone can sit and lie to you, but a friend will simply tell you the truth. Yes, the truth hurts, but you will get over it.

4)   Stands up for you: A friend will never leave you alone in any kind of battle. They will fight for you and never let anyone discourage you, hurt your pride, or put a frown on your face. Sometimes they are more affected by someone who hurts you than someone who has hurt them. Maybe they will end up hating the same people you do. Why would you like a person who has made your friend sad anyways? No matter what happens you know this person will always be there for you.

5)   Reflects your own happiness: You always want your friend to be happy and know he or she is doing well, even if you are temporarily not speaking to each other because of a silly fight. In other words, friends are a source of your own happiness.

A Crazy Little Thing Called Love

“There’s always a TRUTH behind “just kidding”
“A little EMOTION behind “I don’t care”
“A little PAIN behind “its ok”
“A little I NEED U behind “leave me alone”
“And a lot of WORDS behind “silence”

Love!? Such a sensitive topic and a word that gets me flustered in more ways than one. It is something I try to avoid even talking about. No one can know the meaning of this word until one experiences it.   Why does that word always make me feel uneasy? I think because it is the scariest, most vulnerable, and unprotected feeling experienced by another human being.  When in love, the world seems different. Suddenly it seems like you and your loved one are the only two people on earth. Fights become public, but that doesn’t matter because its seems like its only you and the other person. Love is never like what we see in Hollywood movies or in any fairy tales. It is hard, exhausting and can potentially lead to a “broken” heart.

A loved one is the only person who can potentially hurt you. They have the power to make you the happiest person on earth or the most miserable person in the universe. They can affect you in every way possible.  They have this power over you. They can control you although they do not mean to.  Your wants and needs seem minimal and unimportant. You want them to be happy and make sure they are doing well. You will go out of your way to ensure their happiness, although sometimes this backfires.  Love is the most unselfish feeling experienced by an individual.

This power they have over you is something you cannot fight. Just with one word he/she can “break” your heart and throw you into a deep, dark hole. The line between love/hate is very thin. You say sometimes you hate the person just so someday you can convince yourself you really do, but inside you never will or even want to. No matter how many tears he/she put on your face, he/she did make you smile once upon a time…

Love is not something to be avoided, but it is something one should never look for.  When the time comes it comes. Love knows no color, religion, race, or gender. Love is pure and innocent. You love someone and that’s it. The feelings are there. You know you love a person when suddenly as he/she approaches and you feel like the world suddenly paused. Seeing him/her smiling can turn your day from the worst day of your life to the happiest day of your life. Your pain is minimal now because the person you love is happy. Love is something that cannot be forced upon a person. You either feel it or you don’t.  The signs are obvious because this person makes you feel like no other person has made you feel.

Love to me is made up of two things: a caring nature and respect for the other person. Without this foundation, love can never be reached.

Some people are too afraid to fall in love. But who can blame them? It can freak out the most courageous and bold person. Who wants to be vulnerable and open him or herself up to be hurt or heart-broken? These people protect themselves in every way possible. They push away the one person who cares about them the most. Maybe they do this because they have experienced love in their lives and know of all the heartache it can bring. Love is not pretty.

But why do we love when we know of the potential pain that will be created inside us? Why? Well, because to be in love and care so much about one person is worth it. It is worth all the pain in the world to feel love and to be loved in return. Some people are not lucky enough to experience this feeling.  To those people, I sincerely pity you. No one said love is a fairly tale…

When in love, one allows a person break down his or her walls. You are no longer protected. Your walls go down. This person is now a part of you.

Not being with the person you love is one of the hardest things anyone can experience. You no longer have them by your side, to kiss you, to hug you, or to simply sit next to you. They do not want you anymore. Sometimes they will say it to your face. It would be better if they just stabbed you in the heart. At first you are in denial of this but time will tell you that it’s true. They will date someone else and love someone else. Hold someone else’s hand and kiss someone else’s lips. They will not care about you anymore and yes they will tell you this to your face. The person hurts you and you vow never to speak to them again, but then you do. You want that person in your life although you know you can never have them or be with them. They have left a mark in your heart that cannot be erased. Maybe this sounds corny, but it is true. In this case you feel like your world is over. But it isn’t. You will find someone else as long as your heart is willing to love again. Who knows, maybe this time it will be even better. A heart cannot be broken because when something is broken it can’t be fixed. A heart can and will heal and can be mended. Time is what heals all pain.

All in all, love is a four-letter word with more strength than anything on the planet. It’s what separates us from the real world. It’s funny how in the beginning love starts out so beautifully, but then how all your walls come down and your defenses disappear. Suddenly this person you love has the potential to hurt you in ways no other person can. You could be happy, sad, and angry, all at the same time. Love plays with your head. Sometimes you feel crazy, bipolar or even schizophrenic. It’s hard to imagine that one single individual can make you feel all these things at once.

What makes this person so special? Well, when you love a person you see things in him or her no one else sees. People will ask you all the time, “Why do you care about him/her so much?” or “Why this person?” or “What makes him/her so special.” They will ask these questions with a very innocent, curious mind. Sometimes you are shocked because you see these amazing things in a person that others don’t see. You see their innocence and inner beauty. That’s when you know you love a person. You see potential in all their flaws. To you, they are royalty, while to others, they are mere commoners. They are perfect in your eyes. Others think of this person as a regular, ordinary person, but to you, they are extraordinary. This love is unconditional. This love is blind to any flaws. This love never dies with time.

Love is pain and a huge headache. But do we regret falling in love? No.  Experiencing love has its downfalls, but who cares! Just one moment with a loved one is worth any kind of pain or displeasure. Just having him/her next to you makes everything right in the world. In his/her arms one feels safe, comfortable, and loved. What can be better than this?